A New Year With Grief
I don't know what it is about a new year. It's usually a time of self reflection, positive change and motivation. Well, 2014 has been a rocky start for me.
Why? I don't really know. Maybe it's because 2o13 was the first full year that my brother didn't get to be a part of. Looking back through all the pictures is a real reminder that he's really gone. He wasn't at any family dinners, birthday parties, panthers games, nephews ballgames, or holidays. Maybe it's because 2014 is a new year and it makes me sad that my brother won't be present for it. I recognize all the many blessings that 2013 brought and my heart is beyond grateful for them, but it doesn't mean I can't be sad.
You know that blog post I wrote on grief...My Friend Grief, She's such a Beautiful Bitch. Well, it's like I woke up on January 1st and out of no where she was snuggled up next to me. I was a little bummed to see her, to be honest. Everything was sailing along pretty smoothly. I had made it through the holidays without in major breakdowns. I was excited about 2014 and motivated for the new year!
I had been with my family in the Outer Banks for a few days and there were a few days left of the trip, but when I woke up with Grief next to me, I decided I should pack up and head back to Charlotte with her.You see, today, I know what it means when she shows up. I know exactly when she shows up and what I need to do.
I pause. I breathe. I have to just be still. I let the emotions come and I let them go. I actually feel them. I cry. And I cry more.
I pray. I get closer to God. I take care of myself.
I don't drink. Because you see, my disease wants me to drink. Grief is one of the many ways alcoholism masks itself.
I'm not the best at letting people close to me know when I am sad. Write a blog about it..sure. Let thousands of people read my inner most thoughts...sure. But break down to someone close to me...well, I do not like that.
In recovery, we handle our disease one day at a time. Just for today. The great thing about a program of recovery is that some of the things you start doing to just stay sober gives you a complete new way of living.
So now when I wake up, I look at the next 24 hours. And by doing this, it allows me to not get overwhelmed with life. I have adopted this same mentality with Will. Will is gone today. I can manage that. I can live with that. Forever? Forever is too overwhelming. Forever isn't manageable. Forever is suffocating. But today. Today, I can do. I don't have to like it. I can be sad about it. But I can handle it.
I don't' mind that Grief has been hanging out with me for the new year. She reminds me of how much I love my brother. And in a weird way, she motivates me. She has reminded me of my purpose...and my brother's part in that. I'm hoping she will be leaving soon, but I am going to learn and grow from her while she is here.